June 30th, 2026 -- Oakland, CA
I've been feeling bad. Not as bad as it's been before, but still very bad. I am hoping things get better.
I have settled mostly into my room. It is a small space, but it's doable. I have been trying to nest to feel like I'm meant to be here, but I'm not sure if that's true. I am feeling a bit unmoored. I can't concentrate on reading like I'm used to. I am chainsmoking a lot. I am worried I am self-destructing. I keep geting job rejections. Rejections like this are demoralizing anyways on principle, but the one I just got was especially difficult. I applied last week, and the school called me on Friday. They told me they were really excited bout my candidacy and they wanted to bring me on campus ASAP. I would be teaching 3 subjects of math and be making 80K a year. It was a very tantalizing job. However, they called me on Monday and basically said, "hey sorry, but when I called you on Friday, we actually had already offered the position to someone but I didn't know. You are very qualified and I liked yu better than this candidate we're going with, but we already offered them the job." It felt humiliating. It didn't feel better to be told they liked me more. It just made me really sad.
Another update is that I actually am not going to grad school this year. I guess when I applied to the state school I applied to, I should have applied with my sibling's address in Oakland. Because applying from Ojai disqualified me from all aid (including loans and payment plans), so I was expected to pay 6K in a few weeks in a lump payment for just the first semester. I can't do that. Apparently state tuition and being a "regular session" student is only available for those in the greater bay area. I didn't know that when I applied. When I talked to the bursar's office, they told me that the only way I could become a regular session student is from withdrawing and reapplying for next year. I think I am too much of a grudge-holder to do that. But I know I need a masters degree in order to move forward with being a librarian unfortunately. So maybe I will have to re-think that life-long goal of mine.
The issue is that I have been feeling so disconnected from my goals and ambitions. Thinking about my future makes me feel sick and sweaty. Sometimes, I fear I am not made for this world at all. I think I don't have enough drive or something. People keep being disappointed in me when I stop fighting and "give up". But I'm tired. I'm so so tired. I can't be expected to fight every battle can I? I can't do that. I can't. And I am in a rough position right now because I would have had more flexibility with my job timeline if I was going to grad school thanks to student loan deferments, but overall, I will be okay. I have some money in savings. I have a place to live for now. I can make it.
Today I found a dead mouse under the couch. It was grody and it's teeth were all out. This song has nothing to do with that, but I'll include it anyways. I think live versions of electronic songs are real hit or miss, but this one is soothing to me.
June 18th, 2026 -- Oakland, CA
back here after a long bit. this past week has been a whole lot because i've moved from Ojai back to Oakland. my dad came to help me (shoutout dad) and we loaded up a uhaul and towed my truck behind it. i never want to do that again. because you have to go slower when you're towing, what is normally a 6 hour drive took 9 hours. this was on tuesday. we got in so late, we didn't even unpack the uhaul until the next day. i am not built for that.
it was sad to leave Ojai. i wasn't expecting it to be as hard as it was. i hated saying goodbye to renée. it was sad knowing all the things i did were for the last time. ojai was my first true independent era. but now i'm on my next one.
unpacking has been sucky. it's always sucky, but it's more so because the room i moved into in jonah's house wasn't empty. all the storage still had the stuff from their previous housemate. but today my sibling helped me make my bedframe and i'm feeling a lot more settled and better. i felt so much better after i could make my bed with the navy tuck corners. i know things will keep being better.
sometimes you gotta go back to basics. i know this entry was really short, but i don't have a lot in me right now. here is a beautiful song you may find helpful. godspeed and good luck all my friends.
June 1st, 2026 -- Ojai, CA
The school year is over. I have submitted all my grades. I am fully free. Well actually, I have to clean my classroom and then finish packing and move out of here, but the academic stuff is at least done.
Graduation was Saturday. It was very bittersweet. Saying goodbye was difficult. Here are the things I want to remember about this day:
**I won the Faculty Recognition award. I wasn't expecting it. When the head of school slipped up and used a he pronoun I let mysef hope. And isn't that sad? That I knew it was me because the men here are what they are... I knew in that moment it was me or the Spanish teacher, but he's worked here forever and won twice, so I thought it might be me. My heart went so fast. I cried a little bit. Feeling recognized is so basic but so intoxicating. Getting to thank the students for trusting me to teach them was such a gift. Plus I got $1000 which I didn't even know was part of the deal. So that's great.
**D thanking me and Renée by name in his graduation speech for making him feel loved and cared for. I hope I never forget this, or the way my breath was punched out of me when he said that. I think it's hard for non boarding school people to understand just how involved we are in our community's life. D had told me and Renée about how different we felt from what he received from his parents. They don't seem to be very involved people. In fact, they didn't even come to his graduation. They were in LA, but they didn't come. And I feel some rage at that. But I also feel sad for them. Because D is so wonderful and easy to celebrate. And I hope they did that for him in their own way. And I'm glad Renée and I got to be there for him for this. When he left campus, he told me that our souls would always know each other. And I think that's true. Even if I never see him again.
**Saying goodbye to J. He was the student I kept coming back to thinking about when I was deciding whether or not to leave. He'll be a senior next year, and I really wanted to see that. And I can still, just from outside the school. We hugged each other and cried. And then repeated that five different times over the span of 45 minutes. I told him that I hope he knows that I will be there for him and a part of his life in any way he wants for as long as he'd like. And I mean that.
**E's mom crying when I won teacher of the year. I love E's family. E is like a nephew to me. He's been my adisee and student for these past 2.5 years. We had the same first day at the school. His parents think it's kismet we met. I agree. I think there are people you are meant to meet in this world. And E is one of those people I was meant to meet. This kid coming right out of treatment who was so angry at the world. And to become student body president and be confident and feel safe to be himself. What a gift that was. How healing it was for me to see.
**M saying I felt like an older brother to him. This is my little transmasc student who also graduated this year. He has been through so much. And I have tried to be there for them in whatever way they need. I have been a confidant, an emotional support person as they reported their abuser, a friend to watch My New Boss is Goofy with, a math teacher, and a fellow D&D nerd. And nothing makes me feel better about myself than to be there for someone else. And I know what a therapist would say about that. In fact, I've talked about how this job generally has exacerbated my caretaker/savior complex quite a bit. But when a kid needs a safe place to land with an adult who want judge them or hurt them, I will never regret being that person. I will cherish it. Forever.
Here is an always good song that I turn to consistently. Thank you to the 19 year old Brit Pop sensation, Jim E. Brown! I interviewed him once with my sibling and friend and he didn't break character once. And good on him for that.
May 23rd, 2026 -- Ojai, CA
I am so exhausted. I could barely move this morning or afternoon until I started work at 15:00. I am working until 19:00 tonight, but I will make it. Last night, a student gave me a warm Diet Coke and a hanging red lotus flower she had made out of pipe cleaners.
I really need to start packing and cleaning today. I am beginning to feel behind and anxious about it. I am working on going through and getting rid of clothes. It is my least favorite task in history. I also need to clean my kitchen and pack one suitcase of clothes. I am writing this to hold myself accountable.
I just started a new book. It's called A Head Full of Ghosts by Paul Tremblay. I have loved every book by Paul Tremblay I have read. I am already transfixed by this book.
Here is a fun song for your Saturday.
May 22nd, 2026 -- Ojai, CA
This is again a little late. I started it and put it down all the time. Today I proctored the AP Environmental Science exam from 8:00-12:00. It was hell on earth. Then I taught 12:45 to 14:30. Then I had a job interview for a part time librarian position at a school in Oakland. I think they hated me. I left that interview feeling like they wanted me dead. I do not expect anything to come from that lead. Then I worked from 15:50 to 16:30 then again from 17:30 to midnight. I am beyond burnt out.
Here is a poem that I shared with my students today. It is by Kim Seong Eun & Cindy Juyoung Ok. The words are written (originally in the format of emails) by Kim Seong Eun and then arranged by her daughter Cindy Juyoung Ok. There are three poems in this series, and I highly reccomend all of them. But this one reminds me of my mom, because she is never more happy and proud of me than when I have cleaned my apartment.
May 21st, 2026 -- Ojai, CA
I'm posting this blog a little late. Things were hectic today. I felt like every moment of my day was scheduled, and I never like that. I am someone who enjoys routine, but I need breaks and pauses throughout my day in order not to feel insane. Even if I end up working during those pauses, I need to still have them or I will feel trapped. Today was one of those days where I felt trapped for sure.
Here is another Japanese tiny-home video I watched recently. I love the skylight on this house, and the LDK that opens out to a courtyard. I have been thinking a lot about ways to intentionally center light and breath in buildings. I have skylights in my home in Oakland and big windows in the LDK, but all the light exists on the top floor. Very little light gets in to the bottom floor. That's where I'll be living. On the bottom floor. So I'm trying to figure out what I can do to make the space feel lighter. I think I will prioritize lamps and not have curtains. I think I will also work to make the outdoor space more appealing as an extension of my current room. Just some initial thoughts.
May 20th, 2026 -- Ojai, CA
I just don't have it in me today. I watched a lot of Capstone presentations today, which were lovely, but I am feeling exhausted. It is hard when it feels like every hour of my day is scheduled. I am feeling managed in a way I resent. But it is all over so soon. So let's celebrate that.
Tomorrow I have a meeting with the head of school for a place in Utah. They are giving me a proposed contract and letting me ask any lingering questions I may have. I am unsure if I will take this job. Parts of it feel like a step in the right direction and parts of it feel like I'm recommitting to isolation and stagnation. But I am just a boy, and we will see. I have a job interview for a job that feels like it would be a growth point for me. It's a part time job at an elementary and middle school library. Since I'm planning on working in libraries, this would be great for me to explore and figure out if I would want to work with a school library. It's back in Oakland too which would be good and bad. The pay would be less than ideal though.
I'm trying very hard to convince myself that moving back to Oakland isn't just a major step backwards. I don't like Ojai, but I have eked out some small spaces and friends that I have really come to love. I know for many people, returning home is complicated. But I know for some people that returning to their hometown at least feels secure. That is not how Oakland feels for me anymore. I think it's because my years there were always hard and usually pretty bad. I experienced some very negative moments in my life there. And to me, it always feels at least a little bit safer to go as far away as possible from everyone who knows me. I want to run. And I do, but not far. I am less commtted to it than I am attracted to it. I like starting over. I like building a new life. It is never a "better" or "healthier" one than I had before, but it is mine. All mine.
I don't have any recipes to share today. I ate breakfast and dinner in the dining commons at my school, and I reheated my roast from Monday for lunch. C'est la vie.
Here is a video I watched recently. There is an ad built in from 0:54-1:42. The house is fascinating to me. An indoor/outdoor house with no roof over the living room is bonkers and beautiful. I like how drafty it seems. For some reason that is appealing to me.
May 19th, 2026 -- Ojai, CA
Today for lunch I ate pickles and potato chips and gummy worms. It was a bit of an age regression lunch. I couldn't give less of a shit. I didn't have breakfast either. So my body is just pickles and potato chips and gummy worms right now. But ain't that just the way.
A student is telling me to just make 100g of pure spirulina for dinner. He says it will heal me, but I am not fully sure about that. The student in question is wearing black airforces. He is kind, but he cannot be trusted.
My soccer team manager has reminded me that I promised to make her a bento box picnic by the end of the year. I think we will do this Friday. I will make her tamagoyaki and rice balls and maybe some karaage. It will be cute I think. I need to steam some carrots too to make little carrot flowers. I can make inari too. I have the skins.
Here is a song I like. link It's a little haunting and just overall very pretty.
May 18th, 2026 -- Ojai, CA
I am feeling quite miserable today. I am unshaven and unkempt. I hope I am making Kafka proud or whoever else does loser-diaries these days. I am telling my students I am leaving the school today, and I have no real hope it will go well. However, I will do it anyways. I did get a job offer today. It's for a school in Utah. I have never been to Utah. I do not know if there will be other boys like me in Utah. I will think on it. I don't know if I like the idea of this school because they seem to want me so badly or if I like isolating myself from my friends and family. I don't know if I will get an answer on that. I think I will keep trying.
Maybe I will shave my face and try to put on non-trackpants. Or maybe I will stay as I am. It is unclear what would be best.
I made a roast for lunch with garlic rice. It was pretty good. It helped to get rid of my cabbage and wilting parsley. I also made a sad little yoghurt sauce with cucumbers, mint, parsley, and chaat masaala. I have to be so real, my yoghurt was unsweetened vanilla flavor, but it was honestly still really good. I think we decide some times that certain things can only be sweet or only be savory and that is so silly.
The balloons my boss gave me are deflating. I don't care for them. I got them for following protocol on school vehicle renting. It is a dumb reason to get balloons. What is a good occasion for balloons? I don't really like them. They feel garish and ugly to me even in the most appropriate of times. I hope if I one day get engaged or have a baby or get my masters degree that it is a balloon-free occasion. We shall see what the future holds I guess.
Here is a song I've had on repeat lately. link This video is dubbed over by a studio recording, but the vibes are exceptional. The song itself is very sad, but did you know it wasn't even written by the gaunt one? He's who'd you expect to be the writer, but he's not. The keyboardist having the time of his life is the one who wrote it. Makes you think, huh?
Here is how I make the garlic rice:
In a rice cooker, add a big glug of olive oil (so that it covers the bottom of the pot) and however much basmati rice you want. On top of rice, add some cumin seeds, turmeric, salt, and a dollop of vegan or real butter. Dice 7 cloves of garlic, and add those as well. If feeling extra flavorful, add a teaspoon of Better Than Bouillon. If using BTB, omit salt. Cover rice with about an inch of water. Give the rice cooker a little stir, then cover and cook. This will make your apartment smell delicious and lived in. It will also be yummy to eat with minimal dishes. Enjoy.