May 23rd, 2026 -- Ojai, CA
I am so exhausted. I could barely move this morning or afternoon until I started work at 15:00. I am working until 19:00 tonight, but I will make it. Last night, a student gave me a warm Diet Coke and a hanging red lotus flower she had made out of pipe cleaaners.
I really need to start packing and cleaning today. I am beginning to feel behind and nxious about it. I am working on going through and getting rid of clothes. It is my least favorite task in history. I also need to clean my kitchen and pck one suitcase of clothes. I am writing this to hold myself accountable.
I just started a new book. It's called A Head Full of Ghosts by Paul Tremblay. I have loved every book by Paul Tremblay I have read. I am already transfixed by this book.
Here is a fun song for your Saturday.
May 22nd, 2026 -- Ojai, CA
This is again a little late. I started it and put it down all the time. Today I proctored the AP Environmental Science exam from 8:00-12:00. It was hell on earth. Then I taught 12:45 to 14:30. Then I had a job interview for a part time librrian osition at a school in Oakland. I think they hated me. I left that interview feeling like they wanted me dead. I do not expect anything to come from that lead. Then I worked from 15:50 to 16:30 then again from 17:30 to midnight. I am beyond burnt out.
Here is a poem that I shared with my students today. It is by Kim Seong Eun & Cindy Juyoung Ok. The words are written (originally in the format of emails) by Kim Seong Eun and then arranged by her daughter Cindy Juyoung Ok. There are three poems in this series, and I highly reccomend all of them. But this one reminds me of my mom, because she is never more happy and proud of me than when I have cleaned my apartment.
May 21st, 2026 -- Ojai, CA
I'm posting this blog a little late. Things were hectic today. I felt like every moment of my day was scheduled, and I never like that. I am someone who enjoys routine, but I need breaks and pauses throughout my day in order not to feel insane. Even if I end up working during those pauses, I need to still have them or I will feel trapped. Today was one of those days where I felt trapped for sure.
Here is another Japanese tiny-home video I watched recently. I love the skylight on this house, and the LDK that opens out to a courtyard. I have been thinking a lot about ways to intentionally center light and breath in buildings. I have skylights in my home in Oakland and big windows in the LDK, but all the light exists on the top floor. Very little light gets in to the bottom floor. That's where I'll be living. On the bottom floor. So I'm trying to figure out what I can do to make the space feel lighter. I think I will prioritize lamps and not have curtains. I think I will also work to make the outdoor space more appealing as an extension of my current room. Just some initial thoughts.
May 20th, 2026 -- Ojai, CA
I just don't have it in me today. I watched a lot of Capstone presentations today, which were lovely, but I am feeling exhausted. It is hard when it feels like every hour of my day is scheduled. I am feeling managed in a way I resent. But it is all over so soon. So let's celebrate that.
Tomorrow I have a meeting with the head of school for a place in Utah. They are giving me a proposed contract and letting me ask any lingering questions I may have. I am unsure if I will take this job. Parts of it feel like a step in the right direction and parts of it feel like I'm recommitting to isolation and stagnation. But I am just a boy, and we will see. I have a job interview for a job that feels like it would be a growth point for me. It's a part time job at an elementary and middle school library. Since I'm planning on working in libraries, this would be great for me to explore and figure out if I would want to work with a school library. It's back in Oakland too which would be good and bad. The pay would be less than ideal though.
I'm trying very hard to convince myself that moving back to Oakland isn't just a major step backwards. I don't ike Ojai, but I have eked out some small spaces and friends that I have really come to love. I know for many people, returning home is complicated. But I know for some people that returning to their hometown at least feels secure. That is not how Oakland feels for me anymore. I think it's because my years there were always hard and usually pretty bad. I experienced some very negative moments in my life there. And to me, it always feels at least a little bit safer to go as far away as possible from everyone who knows me. I want to run. And I do, but not far. I am less commtted to it than I am attracted to it. I like starting over. I like building a new life. It is never a "better" or "healthier" one than I had before, but it is mine. All mine.
I don't have any recipes to share today. I ate breakfast and dinner in the dining commons at my school, and I reheated my roast from Monday for lunch. C'est la vie.
Here is a video I watched recently. There is an ad built in from 0:54-1:42. The house is fascinating to me. An indoor/outdoor house with no roof over the living room is bonkers and beautiful. I like how drafty it seems. For some reason that is appealing to me.
May 19th, 2026 -- Ojai, CA
Today for lunch I ate pickles and potato chips and gummy worms. It was a bit of an age regression lunch. I couldn't give less of a shit. I didn't have breakfast either. So my body is just pickles and potato chips and gummy worms right now. But ain't that just the way.
A student is telling me to just make 100g of pure spirulina for dinner. He says it will heal me, but I am not fully sure about that. The student in question is wearing black airforces. He is kind, but he cannot be trusted.
My soccer team manager has reminded me that I promised to make her a bento box picnic by the end of the year. I think we will do this Friday. I will make her tamagoyaki and rice balls and maybe some karaage. It will be cute I think. I need to steam some carrots too to make little carrot flowers. I can make inari too. I have the skins.
Here is a song I like. link It's a little haunting and just overall very pretty.
May 18th, 2026 -- Ojai, CA
I am feeling quite miserable today. I am unshaven and unkempt. I hope I am making Kafka proud or whoever else does loser-diaries these days. I am telling my students I am leaving the school today, and I have no real hope it will go well. However, I will do it anyways. I did get a job offer today. It's for a school in Utah. I have never been to Utah. I do not know if there will be other boys like me in Utah. I will think on it. I don't know if I liek the idea of this school because they seem to want me so badly or if I like isolating myself from my friends and family. I don't know if I will get an answer on that. I think I will keep trying.
Maybe I will shave my face and try to put on non-trackpants. Or maybe I will stay as I am. It is unclear what would be best.
I made a roast for lunch with garlic rice. It was pretty good. It helped to get rid of my cabbage and wilting parsley. I also made a sad little yoghurt sauce with cucumbers, mint, parsley, and chaat masaala. I have to be so real, my yoghurt was unsweetened vanilla flavor, but it was honestly still really good. I think we decide some times that certain things can only be sweet or only be savory and that is so silly.
The balloons my boss gave me are deflating. I don't care for them. I got them for following protocol on school vehicle renting. It is a dumb reason to get balloons. What is a good occasion for balloons? I don't really like them. They feel garish and ugly to me even in the most appropriate of times. I hope if I one day get engaged or have a baby or get my masters degree that it is a balloon-free occasion. We shall see what the future holds I guess.
Here is a song I've had on repeat lately. link This video is dubbed over by a studio recording, but the vibes are exceptional. The song itself is very sad, but did you know it wasn't even written by the gaunt one? He's who'd you expect to be the writer, but he's not. The keyboardist having the time of his life is the one who wrote it. Makes you think, huh?
Here is how I make the garlic rice:
In a rice cooker, add a big glug of olive oil (so that it covers the bottom of the pot) and however much basmati rice you want. On top of rice, add some cumin seeds, turmeric, salt, and a dollop of vegan or real butter. Dice 7 cloves of garlic, and add those as well. If feeling extra flavorful, add a teaspoon of Better Than Bouillon. If using BTB, omit salt. Cover rice with about an inch of water. Give the rice cooker a little stir, then cover and cook. This will make your apartment smell delicious and lived in. It will also be yummy to eat with minimal dishes. Enjoy.